Miss Ruby Tuesday- **COUGAR DATE**... SWF SEEKS SWM
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I'm sure you might have some good opinions or philosophy about this so let me ask you something...
Do you think a person can be Too picky (or selective) when it comes to choosing a mate???
What I mean by that is: Can a person have too many demands, criteria, or expectations when it comes to finding someone compatible?
Could he or she be too headstrong or narrow-minded about his or her criteria - even if it's only ONE THING he or she is picky about (like: money or height)?
There's no doubt that by being too selective a man or woman limits his or her "options". But, doesn't this kind of thinking also warp his or her sense of reality?
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone should "settle" when it comes to Love... But, when a man or woman acts "stuck-up" and overly proud because he or she thinks "Perfection" is the only thing worthy of his or her time, then you must admit, they probably have a few screws loose.
Or... they could have OCPD -Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder
It's possible.
Every now and then you'll run across an asshole who wants to make him or herself look good or superior by trying to embarrass you or humiliate you in public or at a club or something. Don't think twice about it. Move on to something better. Someone who has more class.
What really gets my goose are those people who look like they've been beat up and down the road from here to "kingdom come" with an ugly stick and they've got the nerve to look down on you like you're trash or unworthy of them. Disgusting. But again, keep it moving. And, don't lower your standards next time. lol. It's all a matter of timing, but you should be a little more selective next time.
If you ever go on these dating websites like "eHarmony" and "Match.com", they require their customers to be really selective when looking for love. You have to state all of your preferences, wants, interests, fixations, and every thing else if you really want their help in finding true love.
And, even their systems aren't perfect.
I understand it. And, I'm not saying it's totally wrong be selective, but sometimes people can be too picky and miss out on a good thing. The main thing is to date and get to know the person you're interested in.
I got into a big argument with a couple of my cousins a few years ago while we were driving from a party.
It all started when my cousin "Lisa" mentioned that a friend of ours, "Dominique", was single and looking for a new boyfriend, but had a hard time of finding one because she was too selective.
Dominque wasn't a "Ten" beauty-wise - maybe a "five" or a "six". But, she wanted a guy who was "perfect". Now, although she wasn't a beauty-queen, her overall style, "features", and personality, made her an easy "eight and a half" or "nine". I can't lie: overall, she was above average and sexy as hell - very desirable. Hell, I chased that girl for almost a year trying to get my hands on that phat booty.
Anyway... The chick was sweet and didn't mind going on dates with average guys or "regular Joes" or whoever. If you had a nice personality and was fun and respectable, she'd give you a shot. BUT!
She was not interested in a relationship with you unless you were...
Tall
Suave
Above average in looks
Muscular or "well-built"
Had "good hair"
Had a good job
Had money
Had no kids
Had your own car and "crib" (house or apartment)
Never been married...
blah dahdah-dah dahdah-dah
That chick was insane with her list of demands and criteria for a mate. But, I understood because I also have certain qualities I look for in a mate. We all do. And, when I said I understood her thinking, those rat-bastards pounced on me like I was responsible for wrecking the economy!
They didn't let me finish my thought.
"WHAT??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW SHE FEELS???"; "YOU SHOULD LOOK AT PERSONALITY FIRST!!!"; "THAT'S PETTY THINKING!!!"; "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???"; "ARE YOU SAYING SHE'S RIGHT???"
...blah, blah, blah...
After those first few words had come out of their big mouths, I had flipped out and was babbling in tongues so I hardly understood what they were saying or what I was saying. I was damn near "seeing red". I was mad as hell.
PLUS, I WAS DRIVING!
Now, you know those fools were crazy - upsetting the driver! And, we're rolling down I-85 highway going more than 80 mph! ???
Anyway...
So, I mention that I don't have a lot of major preferences but the first thing I look at when I see a woman is her legs. I can't help it. I love pretty legs.
After I take notice of that, then I look at other features.
Then, this fool in the backseat (my other cousin), "Hank", says: "Oh, that's some petty shit. What if she gets in an accident and loses her legs?"
Trust me folks... It's hard as hell to school a jackass on the ways of human nature and drive the fast lane at the same time.
Then, this dumbass said: "It's different if I met a girl that smoked cigarettes. If she smoked, I could talk her into quitting cigarettes, but you can't change a girl's legs!"
Okay, I can't change a woman's legs... But,
How in the hell is he gonna talk somebody into quitting smoking???
If he meets a girl that smokes cigarettes she's going to quit smoking when she's good and damn ready. Not when HE tells her it's time to quit.
What the hell is he a damn witch doctor or something???
Hell, if he has that much power, why don't make everybody in the world quit and and reduce cancer or air pollution? Why don't his broke ass become a multi-billionaire or something? He could take those "cigarette patches" and "electric cigarettes" right out of business, couldn't he?
That jackass.
That dumbass knows he has preferences just like everybody else.
We all have wants, needs, turn-offs, and turn-ons, and fetishes, that we look for in a potential mate.
Some people just have a little more than others. Some have a lot more.
I wasn't saying that Dominique was right for being as selective as she was. Hell, if she wasn't so selective, maybe I could've gotten a date.
Honestly, I believe many people ruin their chances of finding True Love when they're too picky. Being so picky leads to being closed-minded. You don't leave any options open or have "wiggle room" for guys or girls who don't have ALL that you want but who may have EXACTLY what you need to be happy. And, these prospects can turn out to be better than what you expected. That's what I believe.
Look at all these girls who get abused, misused, and cheated on by their boyfriends... They're not looking at what's deep in the guy's heart or character. They're looking for someone who's tall, handsome, and fun to spend time with. It's not until later in life do they realize how bad their decision-making process about relationships were.
And, many of these guys out here are closed-minded as hell too. How many times have some of us men mentioned how we "let a good one slip away"? I know I've said it!
Chasing that damn eye-candy!
Almost 99% of the guys out here are always gonna look at a pretty face or a phat ass before they look at a woman's intelligence and character. And that's how we end up with these grouchy-ass nagging scalawags. We're too selective about the booty and beauty and not open-minded enough to see all the other things the woman has to offer. We're too picky for the wrong reasons.
And these poor pitiful high-class successful women... These poor babes want a man who's "on their level" so bad that they'd rather wait and wait and wait until they're wrinkly and close to their "expiration date" before they decide to settle down with the same type of man they could've chosen years ago.
All of those beautiful moonlit nights of cuddling gone down the drain...
I know this all too well.
I know I'm missing out on a lot of good times.
I'm picky as hell since my last break-up.
I ain't NEVER goin' back to that kind of life ever again!
I'd rather be single and date for while than to rush into anything. But, I'm not going to let an opportunity pass me by! 'm not gonna be closed-minded. I'm keeping my options open. And, you can do that without committing yourself to a relationship. Just go on dates. It'll help anyone make better decisions about choosing a mate.
And if a good prospect comes along, I'm gonna "put my bid in" and get something serious going.
The one good thing about dating a lot is: You learn a lot about yourself and how you "click" with other personalities and deal with romantic relationships. You really understand what you like, what you don't like, what you need in a relationship, what habits you are able to deal with, the things about you that annoy people, what you should or shouldn't do to please your lover (sexually and socially)... your relationship goals, etc, etc.
From this experience, I know what I like, but I also know what I'm willing to accept and what I can handle.
So, platonic dating helps you get to know more about people, relationships, and yourself.
But, you gotta dig deep! You gotta get to know the person inside and out.
Unfortunately, everybody out there ain't gonna dig deep.
There are a lot of people out there who only date people who are a certain race, height, body type, status, caste, religion, or whatever, and that should be fine. It's their choice. There's no need for them to apologize for that or any reason for anyone to be upset about it.
Let them do what they do and you "keep doing you".
If you're a good man or woman and you've been passed over or rejected because of someone being picky or too selective, don't think twice about it. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are more than enough beautiful women and handsome hunks to go around. You've just got to be willing to go out there and put yourself out there to get one ovem.
Don't limit yourself because some overly proud person has placed limitations on his or herself. Just because he or she has said "no" to you doesn't mean that you should stop from flirting and being in hot pursuit of someone classy and cute! Keep flirting and making moves... Stylin' and profilin'... Mix and mingle and get to know people so that you will have opportunities to date more and go out more.
Now, I already told you I love legs. But, has every girl I've ever dated had beautiful legs??? No. Has every chick been a beauty queen? No. Has every chick had a nice plump curvacious butt? Well... yeah.... No, I'm just kidding. No, they haven't. So, I have kept my options open. I'm willing to get to know anyone because you never know what the situation may lead to.
Now, there are things that are hard to ignore like "fetishes", "obsessions", "affections", and "addictions". Most of the time we can't fight what we really want. Therefore, don't settle. If you like tall men or tall women, date them. If you like thugs or gangster chicks, date them. If you have to have a man with money or a sugar mama, date them. But, keep your options open just in case something better is out there for you.
I've heard quite a few people say that they fell in love with someone who wasn't their type. I've had it happen to me on a couple of occasions when I wasn't the type of guy the chick would normally date. And leaving some of those relationships caused me to be stalked, my clothes withheld, my car stabbed up, threatening letters, "discussions" with the girl's father or brothers, and two or more attempts to buy my love. I wasn't their type of guy but I was the type of guy they didn't want to be without (at the time). But, that just goes to show, you never know who these "perfectionists" might fall for...
A few years back, me and a few of my cousins drove to Buffalo, New York to move one of my female cousins to Charlotte. When we got there they surprised us by telling us that two of her friends were coming along and they had another truck they wanted us to load and drive. Of course, we knew we had been suckered but we loaded those broads up and headed on back. This chick named "Grace" who had the extra truck got my cousin "Frankie" to drive for her. It was a long long drive in those slow ass moving box trucks. A turtle could've outrun us walking backwards.
Anyway...
When we got back, "Frankie" complained that the girl stunk and smelled like fish the whole way driving back. He talked about how cheap her weave looked and how she had bumps all over chest. Every fault he could find in the girl, he mentioned to us afterwards. He would never date such a "chicken-headed" broad as that.
A few months later, he was at church and spit on the girl.
I said, "What in the hell??? He doesn't even go to church!"
Well, it turned out that the girl called him over to help move or fix something around the house one day. They talked. They had a few drinks. One thing led to another and Wham!
He was attending HER "services" on a regular basis.
They were seeing each other for months when she broke the news to him that she was hooking back up with her ex-boyfriend from Buffalo and that he was moving to Charlotte and moving in with her.
I think it broke his heart.
But, he wasn't even interested in the girl at first. He talked trash about the girl. And, now, all of a sudden, he was in love with her.
He went on and on about that relationship and incident for over a year.
And, there are a lot of people out there just like him (and "Dominique") - "perfectionists" and critics of other people. A lot of them are closed-minded and living in a fantasy world where they have to have the perfect person - their "dream man" or "dream woman". They want a man or woman without flaws. But, those perfectionists and critics aren't flawless. They have mental, physical, and social issues that make them unacceptable to the perfection that they seek. And, that's why they get cheated on, dumped abused, and neglected later on in their relationship. They can't live up to the dream.
Well, let me finish here. I'm getting long-winded as usual. I may have to create a shorter part two.
Anyway...
The bottom line is: If you're going to be picky, at least keep your options open and mix and mingle as much as you can and most important - get to know the person well before you commit yourself or reject them for something you think might be better.
- loveqna
------------------------ MORE NOTES
you might be picky but the person you pick might be picky as well. use your instincts to see ahead to make sure you're both ready for something serious. best to be friends and get to know each other on deeper levels first anyway.
am i saying that you shouldn't judge people or have a critical eye? am i saying that you shouldn't be selective or picky about choosing a mate? no. you must use your instincts, to find someone who is compatible and who supportive, loving, and wants to advance in life. you want the relationship to grow.
we all judge people. even when we don't try to judge people as bad or odd or trashy or vulgar, we still judge them as honest, good, sweet, nice, etc.
in either case, our judgement could be wrong.
lack of using instincts could lead to bad judgment and making a bad decision.
the type of person they want now may not be the type of person they want later.
sometimes, unexpected feelings crop-up when you get to know people.
make sure you know a person's true value and what they're all about. what do they really have to offer besides a phat ass and a cute smile or money and height? what emotional, mental, social, and moral benefits do they have to offer?
how much are they really interested in you? how much do they really want to get to know you and see you happy and enjoying life?
some people are blinded by lust, infatuation, and fetishes.
We all have preferences. some people have "fixations" (height, hair color, etc). these things aren't fetishes but the person is focused only on that thing whether it's a benefit to them or not. to them, it's a good thing.
reptilian thinking - fixation on something they think is better. comparing the thing to other things. relating it to most all things.
how can you REALLY make each others' lives better? how can you really make each other happier? can you really satisfy each other.
qualities change for people as they get older and wiser and as their needs change.
Do you believe that loneliness is the destiny and fate of some?
be open minded - don't limit yourself if you're looking for happiness
people are very picky even before they get to know the person they're judging
it's their loss or is it both of their loss?
a good man or woman is cast aside before he or she even has a chance
is the dreamer/critic too...
proud
critical
narcissistic
think he or she is too good
quick to jump to conclusions
poor in judgment
quick to read people - bad judge
much of a dreamer or perfectionist
blinded by ignorance or foolish beliefs or foolish ideas
stuck in his or her ways
extreme in his or her ideas
closed-minded
brainwashed by society or media
influenced by others - friends, family, co-workers
don't give up your...
values
aspirations and goals
self-respect
personality - don't lose yourself due the other person's demands/preferences
interests
What is the primary thing or quality you look for? Or, look at? What is most important to you when you choose a mate?
- Personality?
- Beauty?
- Social Status?
- Spirituality?
- Caste?
- Sex Appeal?
- Finances and Employment?
What is the most important quality (or qualities) the prospect have to have in order for you to give him or her a chance at dating you and getting to know you better?
A lot of people don't think there's anything wrong with being "too selective".
But, don't you think a person who's too selective or picky can miss out on a good thing - or possibly even True Love?
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