How To Escape A Bad Relationship (Notes)

I've decided to leave this post "as is"...
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Sometimes bad situations change. Sometimes people change. So, I won't suggest that you leave your relationship. But, I'm not going to try to convince you stay either.

If you're involved with a tyrant, you deserve better.

If you're involved with a nagging-ass woman or nick-picking nagging-ass man, you deserve better.

If your partner is abusive in ANY way, you should know that you deserve better.

If you're involved with a compulsive liar who doesn't respect you or who disrespects you and your relationship, go A.W.O.L. Kick him or her to the curb.

If you've thought hard about your situation and can't work things out with your partner, and decided that your best option is to leave the relationship, then here's what you can do...

1. Stack some cash. If you can't save any money for your escape, then you need some good friends who are willing to put up with you until you get on your feet.

2. Look for a new place. If you're in an abusive relationship and you KNOW your Ex is half crazy, then don't move where you'll be tracked down. If you can move out by telling him or her that you need time to think about the relationship or you can agree to some time apart, then fine. If he or she is a stalker, don't move in with someone he or she may consider a potential mate for you because that might make him or her crazy with jealousy. Skip town if you have to and don't tell other people where you're going - not even people you consider friends because the truth may slip out.

If you have kids it can be hard to make a move but contact some of these abuse hotlines and find out how a parent can get financial assistance in an emergency such as this. Some of those politicians and people in society don't think about situations like this so it's kind of tough but try to keep your head up and scour the city and books for help and financial aid. Furthermore, throw your pride out of window and do what you have to do to survive.

There's a double-standard when men are in this situation. Men can get food stamps and housing assistance as well, but the resources are not as available to them as it is for women. And some of these guys are in abusive relationships as well - mentally and emotionally we all know, but in some cases, physically, too. A woman can whip your ass then call the cops on you for defending yourself and have your ass locked up. It ain't never happened to me but I've seen it happen before.

But, this ain't just about "straight" relationships. We all know that abuse occurs in ALL relationships. So, whatever your orientation, or preference, or lifestyle, it doesn't matter, you can get help too.

3. If you don't have a good-paying job and you're CONSIDERING leaving the relationship, go to school or look for a new job AHEAD of time. Find a way to support yourself or get a school grant or something. If you have no skills, no degree, or no experience in a job that pays well, then you'd better start working on that now.

Now, let me make something clear: If Life was perfect all of this will work out without any problems, but we all know this ain't the case.

Decent-paying jobs are hard to come by.

You don't have time to go to school and you want to get out RIGHT now.

You don't have anyone that will help you or take you in.

You don't have any money and you have NO way to save.

I know how it is... When my Ex wanted me to leave, I tried to get out there and find a place and couldn't find one. I was working part time and couldn't find a full time job. I didn't have any money.

My only plan was to pawn a few items to get some cash for storing my stuff and I would sleep at a homeless shelter for a while.

All I had was courage and a slight plan.

The other thing I did was I told everyone about my situation and what I needed to do. For days, I made it known that I had an emergency and was being ousted of my current residence. But I wasn't hysterical. Sometimes you can break down and someone will immediately feel sympathetic and offer you anything you need, but I didn't feel it was that serious. So, I maintained my composure. I asked if they knew of any places that were cheap to move into or any that didn't require a deposit. Some of those places were scum... and, I would've dreaded moving in. But, if push came to shove, I would've done what I had to do.

Some of my co-workers even offered to have me as a roommate. I was in need but I wasn't DESPERATE! lol. I'm just kidding.

I guess my Guardian Angel felt I was REALLY trying and swooped down to help me.

That's when I found that notepad with my old friend's number on it and decided to give her a call. I moved in with no money down. I was able to by a bicycle to get to work (since the buses don't come out this far). And, by the time my rent was due, I had the money. I had to clean one of her investment properties and work for a couple of co-workers at odd hours, but the main thing is: I did what I had to do and, I got my rent paid on time.

But, what if you're just in a stale sucker-ass boring relationship with somone who just doesn't turn you on or with someone who turns you off. What do you do if you're too "shy" to come right out and tell him or her that you want "Out"?

Let me tell you how I've weaseled my way out of some of those dull relationships and how others have done it as well...

Did you ever see that movie, "How To Lose A Guy In 30 Days"?

Although it's a comedy, it's a movie based on facts. I haven't seen the entire movie but the bits and pieces I DID see were funny as hell. Basically, this guy and this chick start dating and she does all kinds of sh*t to try and dump him or get him to dump her. She'd do or say things just to get the man riled up. She tries to "turn him off". She nags. She irritates him. She interrupts him while he's trying to relax and chill. She acts like a psychopath in front of his friends. (Sounds like every man's life, doesn't it?) She acts like a "ding-bat". She annoys him. She does all kinds of crap so that he will hate her or dislike her and leave, but he sticks around.

In real life, some guys would stick around too, but over half of them would cheat or leave. And, they do. But, if you want him (or her) to leave anyway, who cares? Get gone.

One of my co-workers told me there was an Astrology book that taught people how to break-up with their partner by doing things he or she doesn't like. Things that would piss the particular zodiac sign off and make him or her abandon the relationship.

One example was: If they're lazy, make them work all the time or ask them to do something. Keep them busy.

Another example was: If they clean-up all the time, be messy and don't clean up.

Or... If they are messy, be a "Neat-Freak" and constantly clean and complain about EVERYTHING being dirty or having germs. Sterilize everything at home as well as out in public.

She gave me two testimonials and suggested if I ever needed it, to run out and grab that book.

It's the same technique used in that movie.

Screw with a person's pet peeves. Do things they don't like and eventually they'll leave you alone. It's real life situations, but you just project and magnify a particular habit or characteristic that you know your lover simply can't stand. After a while, they'll be like: "To hell with this. I'm gone."

Oh crap! Do you think my Ex was doing that to me???

lol.


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That loud-mouth antagonistic broad... She'd have to run her mouth just for hell of it.

These people DESERVE to be alone. They SHOULD be alone. These assholes should be banished and exiled.

Save - don't hesitate to start stacking your cash - get a mailbox and a new bank account if you have to

Plan your move - move out of the vicinity; change jobs if you have to

Get protection

Inform the authorities if you believe your life or safety is in danger

Get help from a friend but be wary about associating with or visiting friends the both of you know

Don't take threats lightly and if you have a new girlfriend or boyfriend advise them of the same

If the person doesn't respect you now, they may not respect you in the future.

Why don't they respect you?

What issues or beefs have you had that caused you to spite each other?

Why can't you go back to the way things were before when you first met?

On the night of my last post, I called my new roommate up and asked her if she could come over the next day and help me move some of my stuff to the new place. It was fate that she had just pulled up in her driveway and asked me if I wanted her to come over and pick me "now". I said, "That'll be great. I'm already packed." But, in my mind I said, "HELL YEAH! Get me the hell up out of here right dammit now!"

I gave her the directions to my Ex's house and she told me she'd be right over in about ten or fifteen minutes. I was shocked but I couldn't delay. Damn! I didn't think she would come so soon! I wasn't packed! I had most of my crap all over the place like I had been "spring cleaning" and half of my sh*t was spread out all over the place.

I ran around that damn raggedy-ass house trying to find garbage bags and plastic grocery store bags to pack my sh*t in. I didn't care. Some stuff, I trashed. And whatever I didn't see or have my mind on, I just left it. The hell with it. It's only stuff.

I made sure my Ex's lunch was cooked for work. I didn't prepare it myself. Her sons were cooking dinner and I supervised while I ran around trying to find the bags to haul my stuff in.

I hate to say it, but nobody knew I was leaving. I pretended to be cleaning and throwing my old junk out while her sons made dinner. And, she was just waking up after getting her rest for work, so she didn't know what I was doing. But, the timing was great, because I didn't want to go in and disturb her while she was sleeping. I grabbed her work clothes and put them in the dryer for her and took some of my stuff outside and set it on the front lawn. It was a little after 10pm so I was literally running off like a thief in the night. It was exciting to be escaping away to my new life.

About ten minutes after we first talked, my roommate called for more directions. I was moving so quickly and rushing around, I started babbling at first and had to calm myself down. My roommate must've sensed it because she said, "There won't be any drama when I get over there, will it? I don't want to get into no sh*t between you and your woman."

I let her know that everything was cool and she was more than welcome to come over a chill for while if she liked. lol. (Yeah, right.)

She didn't know it, but she had just set herself up for a prank.

Anyway...

She got there before I finished packing but it only took me about a minute or less to get all of my stuff and get it packed into the car. And, I told the guys "see ya' later". And, that was it. I was gone.

When I got back outside I rushed to the car, I yelled at my roommate like I was hysterical, "GO! GO! SHE'S COMING! LET'S GET THE HELL OUTTA' HERE!"

She was shocked. lol. Her eyeballs almost popped out of their sockets! lol. That chick was petrified! It was funny as hell.

I'm surprised she didn't put me right back out of her car. lol. But, she thought it was funny too. Anyway, I packed up my stuff and we rode off into the night...

After I got here and got my stuff into the room, my roommate started interrogating me. She asked me if I DID drugs, sold drugs, or was doing anything else illegal. Of course, NO. Then, she wanted to know why me and my Ex split-up and if she would be coming over any time because she didn't want any drama in her neighborhood. I let her know that "we were done" as a couple and not planning any reunion. And, just as I said that, my cellphone rang. It was Her.

I wasn't going to answer it at first, but I didn't want to burn any bridges, so I took the call. She asked where I was and how I got here. I've been telling her that I'm rooming with a guy from work and that he and his wife lives on the East side of town. I probably could've just told her in the beginning that I have a female roommate, but I think I know her well enough to say there would've been a little bit of drama and false accusations. So, I continued with that lie about moving in with a guy from work and told her that his wife picked me up just in case she happened to see my roommate in the car.

A day or two passed...

She sent a couple of texts (or at least one text) asking me if I missed her. Nope, not at all. I didn't text her back. Then, she called me another day to tell me the kids were asking about me. They thought I was at work and kept asking what time I was coming home. That kind of pissed me off because I do miss those little bad-ass brats. But, I didn't talk to them on the phone. Instead, I told her I was rushing off to work and would call them back later in the day. No. I didn't call. I don't even remember anything she said on the phone. I had move on. The nightmare is over!

Or, is it???

I like my new life. And for now, I like being single. But, don't get me wrong, I AM keeping my eyes open for Love.

Is Depression Ruining Your Love-Life?

Besides mosquitos, cockroaches, social animosity, and violence, Depression is high on the list of the things I hate. And, I know you must hate it too...

I hate on Depression because Depression ruins a lot of lives and relationships. Not only does it have the ability to turn you against YOURSELF. It can turn you against your family and friends, and it can turn your family and friends against you.

I can't stand it. Why do we even HAVE this emotion in psychological inventory?

Lots of things can cause Depression. My belief is: it depends on the person, his or her perspective of life, his or her perspective of social situations, and how he or she deals with social and personal situations. And don't forgot about including his or her habits and addictions. These things can play a part in a person's overall mood and vibe too.

I don't want to sound like some kind of quack or guru because I'm not. I'm just trying to learn as much about it as possible and pass on any information or references I think might be helpful in the fight against it.

I've had to fight it. I think more than a third of the world is dealing with it on a day-to-day basis. But, that is only personal speculation. I don't have any stats or survey results based on this. But, let me tell you why I believe this...

When I look at all of the news and reports about divorces, break-ups, infidelity, people struggling with long-distance relationships or military deployment, domestic violence, homicide-suicide deaths, and suicides - not to mention all of the other crap and fears we have to deal with - I can't help but wonder just how bad Depression REALLY is in our World right now.

There's a lot of people walking around here in a daze, right now, suffering from Depression because they feel they have no one to talk to about it. They know it's something people would rather sweep under the rug and not talk about because everyone has their own issues they're dealing with. So, they have to try to deal with it the best that they can. And, it's a struggle. Some of them carry this dark cloud around inside of them for years and years, trying to fight it or at least get out from up under it every once and a while, but it's tough.

What makes it worse is when none of your friends, or family members, or your spouse, seems to care. All they care about is that you "snap out of it" and "get on with your life". "Stop whining and do what you need to do to survive". And, sadly, for the most part, they're right. They don't understand what you're going through, but they're right.

We can't let Depression conquer us or make us stagnant or keep us from doing what we have to do to live. Other people - friends and family included - may give up on us, but we can't give up on ourselves. We can't lay around in a daze and depend on them to make our lives better or to support us for years while we're in a state of despair or feeling that Life is pointless. We have to get out and make moves and try to find a way to overcome this darkness and bitterness that we feel towards ourselves and/or Life.

We all know that Depression can keep you down, but we have to fight it and press onward. That's our main purpose in Life: To grow, elevate, and continue to move forward; To enjoy Life and the good times with all of the other people we love and care about.

But, how do we fight it and get back on track to enjoying The Good Life?

First, find the cause...

* Is it something or some THINGS that you fear?

* Is it something you want to get or achieve that you can't?

* Is it a fear of some future event?

* Is it something you wish you could change?

* Do you feel stuck in a situation and see no way out?

* Could it be your diet?

* Could it be your environment or surroundings?

* Is it the bad vibes of other people affecting you?

What is it?

Think about what it is that depresses you and KNOW exactly why it depresses you. Then, consider your options.

What can you do to change this situation?

What can you do to avoid a bad outcome?

And, if you can't avoid it, how can you deal with it when the time comes?

IF the time comes?

Since we can't predict the future so we don't know what will really happen. There may be an unexpected blessing.

If it's a past event, I know it's hard to forget. Hell, I'm dealing with past situations in my head every day of my Life. Sometimes, every few hours. Sometimes, every hour. And, if you're dealing with demons in the same fashion, I know those thoughts can last for several minutes or much much longer. But, there's nothing you can do about the past. That time is gone. The only thing you can do about it right now is pray and try to change what you CAN change today to make things better later on down the road. If there is nothing you do to redeem yourself, all you can do is pray about it and let it go. Ask forgiveness to whomever you need to ask it, and move on. You might not EVER forget what happened, but you can't let it break your spirit.

Some of us harbor past events while other people have moved on and forgotten all about them. There may be other people you want to get back at for doing you wrong, but if you can't, f*ck it. Don't let their evil ways destroy you inside. You might not ever forget, but you have to move on.

Sometimes Depression is caused by something we want or need but can't get or don't know how to get. I've asked a few people about this and do you know how they conquered this type of Depression? They gave up. Some of them just said the hell with whatever they were trying to get their hands on and settled for whatever they had at the moment. I'll be honest with you, I don't like that kind of thinking, BUT... some things in Life really aren't important enough to be worth stressing over. But, if you're like me and stubborn (I'm an Aries) and have to have whatever it is your heart desires, don't sit around worried about how you're going to get it. Make moves. Learn. Study. Travel. Develop connections. Make phone calls. Do whatever you have to do to improve your chances of getting what you want and need.

There's one important fact that I didn't realize until someone pointed it out to me and that was: Foods, what we drink, and our overall diet can affect our mood, drive, energy level, thinking, and ability to focus - just like vitamins, drugs, or drinks. So, think about changing or enhancing your diet and what you ingest.

The bad vibes of other people and your environment can also affect your drive, how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about life. I'm sure you know this, but step back and take a close look. What can you change to improve your environment? How can you deal with the bad vibes of othe people or block out the B.S. they throw your way?

Another thing you could do to fight Depression is to learn it, study, and help other people that might be suffering from it. Become a counselor or communicate with others in forums or on YouTube or start a blog about it. But, do it ONLY if you're passionate about it. Don't go that far if you're not ready for the responsibility and demands that go along with it. When people open up to me about their issues or problems, I listen and offer my opinions sometimes, but sometimes - they just want to vent or talk, so I let them do that too.

The final thing you could do is see a reputable therapist. I know. Many of us don't want to deal with doctors because we don't want to take medications that might make us sick or worse off than we already are. And we don't want to go to a doctor or mental health institution and have that "mental health" issue on our record. I know how you feel. It's scary to think that if we go to a clinic or something that we'll be labeled "crazy" or have to disclose to the world that we suffered from mental health issues in our past. But, on the upside, seeing a therapist IS supposed to be fashionable these days...

This is not an invitation to follow in my footsteps, BUT...

I'm holding out for as long as I can.

Some people suffer from forms of Depression that can't be explained. Maybe it's hereditary or has something to do with their genes or due to a traumatic experience, but it's sad that there's no real cure. I was at a party once and saw this guy who just grumbled like he was angry about something. I thought he was rappin' or something under his breath. You know some rap music has got some pretty angry lyrics, so I thought he was rappin'. Unfortunately, the hostess - which was a friend and his guardian - told us that he witnessed his friend get shot by a stray bullet and it traumatized him. So, for years, he had been like that. They tried giving him medication and therapy, but he won't snap out of it. He'll do everything she tells him to do and when she told him to stop making that noise, he stopped. But then he's moving around like he's not sure where to go, or he stares "out" with this blank look on his face. It's scary. And sad. I had to keep my eyes on him. I wasn't about to let him get the jump on me, Jack.

Ultimately, I don't think it's wise to sit alone in one place too long and think. Try to do things that make you happy. Do things that improve your life or that are fun. Participate in hobbies or interests that require you to use your mind to calculate and keep your awareness level kind of high. Exercise or run.

Take a look at one my past issues on How To Get Over A Break-Up. There are a few suggestions near the end of that post of a few things that can take your mind off of your troubles.

Now, like I said (and you know), I'm no expert. These are only my personal opinions. But, I offer them because I know that Depression can hurt relationships and cause arguments and drama. You could be hurting deep down and nobody would give a rats ass. All they want you to do is snap out of it and move on. Deal with it the best you can, and get help if you need to, and if your friends and lover doesn't think enough of you to try to help you, then after you cure your Depression, it may be time for you to cure yourself of that problem too.

- loveqna