How do you figure out what you want in a potential significant other?

I was surfing the Net tonight and came across this question on Yahoo.

Share your opinion anonymously if you like.

Question:

"They say don't date until you know what you want in someone.....But don't you have to date in other to experiment and find out what personality traits work/don't work you in a potential mate?

am i missing something? The only way to figure out is to date people, but they say if you date w/o knowing what you want, you're playing with their mind"

loveqna Answer:

I feel the same way. If you don't date and get to know various personalities, how else can you discover what personality traits work and don't work?

And, that's just part of it...

They might have habits or beliefs you don't agree with. He or she may be an intellectual but have interests you don't agree with. He or she might nag all the time or complain about everything - or, want to fight for causes you don't believe in.

Yeah, some people take these "relationship questionnaires" (online or given by priests) to see if they are compatible, but we all know "actions speak louder than words". And, people who claim to be in love and who love selfishly, WILL lie to get what they want. So, why not date?

Even Prophets of Astrology recommend that "your individual horoscopes blend" in order for you to have a good connection.

So dating is not a bad thing as long as it's respectful and has meaningful purpose. Like dating to find out you want in a potential mate.

BUT!

What you want in a mate sometimes changes. Even when you THINK you know what you want, your preferences might change.

There are people out there who date "prospects" and fall in love with them and don't know how it happened. Usually, they would never consider dating these "losers" because they have absolutely NONE of the qualities the seeker wants, but somehow, they become captivated by these bums and oddballs and can't get their minds off of them.

That being said, all you can do is:

Get to know the guy or girl on a friendship level first to see if there is a connection or a deeper level of interest.

Make sure he/she understands that you don't want to rush things and that you two could still be friends if things don't work out.

Many relationships fail because people don't take the time to get to know themselves and what they want, and what turns them on, and what turns them off, and what they can tolerate, and what they can't tolerate. (And, that's the main point of dating.)

They'll meet a guy or girl, claim they're in love, and three months later, they're bored and looking for something new (more reserved, established, funny, or more exciting). Or, six months later, they're in a toxic relationship full of drama ready to break-up.

Dating also helps you find out who you might be more compatible with. Or, what type of person you have a better connection with. Or, WHO you might have a better connection with.

And, that's another purpose of dating. You get to know them and they get to know you as you also get to know yourself and what you want and need in a mate.

You can't discover this "connection" just by analyzing people. You have to interact with them on various levels - friendship as well as romantic. Even spiritual.

You need to know what you have in common and what you don't. You need to know if this person has the same relationship goals as you do or he/she wants to live in the same area as you. Or, if he/she is family oriented - or if he/she is driven to succeed. You need to know habits, preferences, faults, fetishes, etc.

Now, this may require more dates or taking things to the next level with this person, but if you see potential on the FIRST DATE, then this is a natural step. Go to the next level.

You learn their strengths and weaknesses. They learn your strength and weaknesses...

But, this is ONLY if you're interested in more than just dating.

If you're dating, it doesn't mean that you have to commit yourself. You're still dating to see IF you want to take things to a deeper level.

The downside or disadvantages of dating is:

- love and happiness are NOT guaranteed
- it takes time
- feelings can cloud your judgment and you might rush things
- you might over-analyze and kick a good man or woman to the curb too soon
- you could end up being attracted to two people and can't decide who to choose

Now, I know some people don't date and end up marrying to the first person that comes along - or, someone that they're betrothed to - and have better success in their relationship, but, most people want to get to know WHO they're marrying and discover "love" and "happiness" for themselves.

They want to take time to explore the person's heart and mind to see if there's a connection.

Most people don't want to be "thrown" into a relationship with someone they don't know.

This man or woman could be a monster. Who knows if he or she is sweet or cruel or supportive or lazy as hell?

It's also possible that both people may have good hearts but they're just not good for each other.

In reality, it's all just a crap-shoot. A gamble.

No matter how many dates you go on, dating will never guarantee you will discover someone who's "perfect" for you, because your ideals and preferences may change.

But, you stand a better chance finding true love if you date and take your time to get to know yourself and what you want and need in a relationship and in a mate.

- loveqna