Why Men And Women Cheat - Common But Secret Factors

I have several topics I want to discuss today, but unfortunately, the job I love is now running my life, and I don't have much time to do anything except work, sleep, and ride my bike.

Man, what a sucker-ass life.

Damn...

I promised myself I would cut down on my cussin' and profanity and work on improving my vocabulary, but it's hard as hell - just like trying to quit smoking. (I'm not doing so good with that either.)

Anyway...

I wanted to move on to the next "chapter" in our "Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat" series but I wasn't sure where to start next. I wanna write in a "logical" order but I have an issue with rambling and staying focused on the topic. My mind wanders, I daydream, thoughts come and go as they please...

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be a "real" writer, but why quit now? lol

Look at me - I'm rambling again.

Anyway, here are some notes I made last night while I was on break - PLUS!

I have some old notes from when I thought about writing a book a few years ago.

Okay, here we go.

The other day, we established that people have different opinions about what constitutes cheating.

But -

We also established (or, if we didn't, we gonna do it now) that cheating begins at the moment of Deception.

If you want to get "technical", we could say at the moment of "Deceptive Interaction" or "Deceptive Engagement" with someone other than the cheater's partner.

But, let's just keep it simple. We all know that the cheater is cheating, trying to cheat, or going to cheat, if he or she is lying and "sneaking around", so the bottom line is cheating is based on Deception.

So, our next discussion is: Why cheat in the first place? Why don't cheaters leave the relationship BEFORE they cheat? Why "live a lie" if they're not satisfied in the relationship?

Now, let's be honest. How many partners would want to hear that their partner isn't satisfied and wants out of the relationship? Very few.

How many people would try to talk their partner into staying in the relationship and "work things out"? A WHOLE BUNCH.

It happens all the time.

Hell, I've begged for a second chance before! A couple of times!

And, I've been on the one wanting to end the relationship as well. I'm sure you've been in that position before also. And, if you haven't, one day, you WILL be in that position. One day, You WILL have to break somebody's heart.

And it'll pain you to do it. Well, unless you're cold-blooded. But, it won't be easy for you every time. Trust me.

And, the person who wants to leave the relationship doesn't want to go through that drama. He or she doesn't want to Reject his or her lover, or wife, or husband, or boyfriend, or girlfriend. So, this is ONE reason why a man or woman might cheat!

And, guess what?

Here's a whole slew of others...

(Remember! These are old notes. And, I'm still only considering these ONE or maybe two or three reasons why men - AND women - cheat.)

· He may be afraid of the woman’s reaction. Many men (and women) believe that a lover or partner is so in love that he or she may go into extreme depression or even get suicidal if he or she is dumped. But he may also be afraid of her getting extremely angry too. Either way, he wants to avoid confrontation and/or a possible dangerous situation.

· He knows the woman is “Something Special” and deserves better than him. Depending on the man’s character, he may or may not feel guilty. BUT... He sincerely doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. This is why a lot of people waste months or years in a relationship that they don’t like. They settle for a relationship that they don’t want because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by kicking him or her to the curb. He doesn’t like the woman but, he doesn’t want her to feel rejected or like there is something wrong with her (although there may be), so he is afraid to tell her that he is interested in someone else.

· He might not be able to explain how he really feels about what’s turning him off or making him miserable. Or, he may have a secret fetish or desire that he’s afraid she won’t understand or approve of. Other than that, he’s happy with his relationship.

· He wouldn’t have a place to live or go if the relationship ended.

· He didn’t feel that he was cheating because his partner never made it clear that they were a couple. Yet, he will hide it.

· He’s a “player”. He thinks he’s slick and won’t get caught. This man knows he’s wrong but he doesn’t care or he can’t help himself. He’s a player who cheats for the thrill of mystery and deceit.

· He may be a player or waffler and enjoys having more than one woman. Variety.

· He may like being known as a player or “ladies man” and receiving attention from his family and friends. This type of player will usually have two main girls and “acquaintances” or “friends with benefits”.

· He has too much to lose if he tells her he wants out.

· He’s a waffler who likes or loves both women and doesn’t want to lose or give up either one.

· He is afraid to tell her that he wants out of the relationship so he cheats and hopes that she realizes this and leaves him. He wants to get caught and dumped. (A good sign he wants out is: he has also been showing lack of interest and has been distant). He is planning on telling her he wants out but he’s waiting for the right time. Plus, he is still building up courage.

· He didn’t intend for things to go this far with the other woman and now he doesn’t want to hurt the OTHER WOMAN’S feelings. Or, he’s afraid to explain to her that he was already in a relationship. So, now, he’s in a relationship with two women.

· He only considers the relationship an “arrangement” (friends with benefits) and therefore feels he doesn’t have to explain that he’s seeing someone else on the side. But, he forgot to tell the woman that they were “just friends with benefits”. She’s running around believing that they’re a monogamous couple. Note: Sometimes the woman will feel like the relationship is “more than friends” if she and the man have been seeing and dating each other exclusively for a while. But, unless you actually discuss it, or he says, “I don’t want to see anyone else, but you,” and you agree, then it’s a “friends with benefits” arrangement. It’s not “official”.

· He might not like the woman (his "Main Girl" or "Main Squeeze"), but he doesn’t want anyone else to have her either. So, he won’t let the relationship be over and let the woman go. He’ll neglect her most of the time. Cheat. And string her along by being romantic and showing her some attention every once and a while. So she may be mentally trapped in the relationship. The guy may make her miserable. They may have constant fights or arguments, and she may not trust him or maybe she knows he cheats, but she’ll hang on to him or “settle” for a bad relationship because of her kids, or because she’s lonely, or because she is in love. She may be “sick and tired, and have doubts, but she also has hope that one day, the guy will straighten up and change his ways.

Those are just a few of the examples why a cheating man won’t or can’t end the relationship with the woman.

But…

Although he may low down dirty snake in the grass, it may honestly be “true love” (real or imagined) that’s keeping him in the relationship. He may even realize that he has a good woman and doesn’t want to lose her. Even if he’s not in love with her, they may still have a “special bond”, and he knows that she is the best thing for him. He’s not going to give her up for any woman or anybody because he knows that she’s honest, loyal, and reliable. He can trust her, and he can depend on her for anything. But for some reason, he just can’t stop himself from flirting or chasing other women. He might try to fight this feeling or he might “play around on the side” and do his best not to get caught, but if the woman found out and tried to kick him to the curb, he would do whatever he could to try and win back her love and trust.

Sometimes a man may have some sort of secret fetish, phobia, or addiction he’s hiding and having a hard time dealing with or controlling (and he may even want to get it out in the open), but he’s afraid it could cost him all that he has. And, it’s not worth losing everything he’s got or giving up his current lifestyle for. So, he won’t leave (or be honest with his woman) because he has too much to lose.

A few other specific examples:

· He doesn’t want to ruin or give up his marriage

· He doesn’t want his children to get emotionally hurt and he doesn’t want to lose them

· He cheated on his woman, but he doesn’t want to leave because they’ve known each other for a very long time and are very close – maybe even best friends

· His Main Squeeze has done a lot to make the relationship work and he will feel guilty if he leaves

· He can’t get along with the woman but she is too beautiful to let go

· He tries to leave the other woman but he can’t resist having sex with her or going back to her. She’s a lot of fun. This type of man usually runs back and forth between two women. Sometimes, the two women know each other and that the guy is cheating with both of them.

· He’s cheating but he hasn’t met a woman with adequate looks or personality - no “quality” prospects to take the place of his current “main squeeze”

· He feels that he and the woman are compatible, so he doesn’t want to leave, but he just can’t resist other women

· He’s doesn’t want to have to search for another woman or go back out into the dating scene

· He’s afraid he might not find another woman as good to him as his current woman

· He feels he’s getting too old to go back out into the dating scene

· He may have been seduced or enticed to cheat. It only happened once. He’ll hide it and try very hard not to let it happen again. He may even avoid the other woman to make sure that nothing “on the side” develops. He doesn’t love the other woman at all.

· It was spontaneous. It only happened once and he really didn’t mean for it to happen. He’s not even sure how it happened. It was a “moment of weakness”, “animal instinct”, or “animal attraction”. Or, just a "reaction".

· He loves his woman and doesn’t want to lose her because of his addictions to women, flirting, or sex. He wants to keep his woman so that he will have a companion, but he also likes being free

· He believes that things will change (or his woman will change) and his relationship will improve so he doesn't want to completely give it up or end it.

· He doesn’t want to fail at his relationship. He really does believe in living “happily ever after”. He wants to be the knight who rides off into the sunset and live the good life with the beautiful princess. He doesn’t want to bounce around from relationship to relationship, date, cheat, or be a player. To him, it was just a "moment of weakness". He may even have felt guilty and admitted his infidelity

· He may cheat and not leave because he’s worried about what his friends or relatives might say or think. He doesn’t want to be embarrassed by his own scandalous behavior. He’s not totally happy, but he knows he has a good thing and that it’s better than most relationships. Also, his family and friends may be constantly trying to get him to straighten up and to stop cheating on his woman because she’s such “a good girl”. They may even try to convince HER to leave him to find someone better

· He’s afraid that he can’t make it on his own without the woman. The woman gives him money, takes care of him, always lets him borrow her car, or is always blessing him with gifts and favors. Or, if they live together, she may be the one “in charge” and the head of the household. He may not know what to do or how to budget without her. He may need her support or income to live comfortably.

· He has gained too much to lose. He and his wife, girlfriend, fiancée, or friend, have been very successful together. They have nice cars, a beautiful home, money, children, a business, or whatever, and he doesn’t want to give it all up

Every man has his own reason for being unable or unwilling to talk to his woman and telling her that he wants out of the relationship or that he is interested in someone else, but usually it’s because the risk of losing what he has is greater than the “rewards” he could gain.

Damn, I still didn't include "The Major Factors". Maybe we can pick that up on one of the next posts.

- loveqna