How do you figure out what you want in a potential significant other?

I was surfing the Net tonight and came across this question on Yahoo.

Share your opinion anonymously if you like.

Question:

"They say don't date until you know what you want in someone.....But don't you have to date in other to experiment and find out what personality traits work/don't work you in a potential mate?

am i missing something? The only way to figure out is to date people, but they say if you date w/o knowing what you want, you're playing with their mind"

loveqna Answer:

I feel the same way. If you don't date and get to know various personalities, how else can you discover what personality traits work and don't work?

And, that's just part of it...

They might have habits or beliefs you don't agree with. He or she may be an intellectual but have interests you don't agree with. He or she might nag all the time or complain about everything - or, want to fight for causes you don't believe in.

Yeah, some people take these "relationship questionnaires" (online or given by priests) to see if they are compatible, but we all know "actions speak louder than words". And, people who claim to be in love and who love selfishly, WILL lie to get what they want. So, why not date?

Even Prophets of Astrology recommend that "your individual horoscopes blend" in order for you to have a good connection.

So dating is not a bad thing as long as it's respectful and has meaningful purpose. Like dating to find out you want in a potential mate.

BUT!

What you want in a mate sometimes changes. Even when you THINK you know what you want, your preferences might change.

There are people out there who date "prospects" and fall in love with them and don't know how it happened. Usually, they would never consider dating these "losers" because they have absolutely NONE of the qualities the seeker wants, but somehow, they become captivated by these bums and oddballs and can't get their minds off of them.

That being said, all you can do is:

Get to know the guy or girl on a friendship level first to see if there is a connection or a deeper level of interest.

Make sure he/she understands that you don't want to rush things and that you two could still be friends if things don't work out.

Many relationships fail because people don't take the time to get to know themselves and what they want, and what turns them on, and what turns them off, and what they can tolerate, and what they can't tolerate. (And, that's the main point of dating.)

They'll meet a guy or girl, claim they're in love, and three months later, they're bored and looking for something new (more reserved, established, funny, or more exciting). Or, six months later, they're in a toxic relationship full of drama ready to break-up.

Dating also helps you find out who you might be more compatible with. Or, what type of person you have a better connection with. Or, WHO you might have a better connection with.

And, that's another purpose of dating. You get to know them and they get to know you as you also get to know yourself and what you want and need in a mate.

You can't discover this "connection" just by analyzing people. You have to interact with them on various levels - friendship as well as romantic. Even spiritual.

You need to know what you have in common and what you don't. You need to know if this person has the same relationship goals as you do or he/she wants to live in the same area as you. Or, if he/she is family oriented - or if he/she is driven to succeed. You need to know habits, preferences, faults, fetishes, etc.

Now, this may require more dates or taking things to the next level with this person, but if you see potential on the FIRST DATE, then this is a natural step. Go to the next level.

You learn their strengths and weaknesses. They learn your strength and weaknesses...

But, this is ONLY if you're interested in more than just dating.

If you're dating, it doesn't mean that you have to commit yourself. You're still dating to see IF you want to take things to a deeper level.

The downside or disadvantages of dating is:

- love and happiness are NOT guaranteed
- it takes time
- feelings can cloud your judgment and you might rush things
- you might over-analyze and kick a good man or woman to the curb too soon
- you could end up being attracted to two people and can't decide who to choose

Now, I know some people don't date and end up marrying to the first person that comes along - or, someone that they're betrothed to - and have better success in their relationship, but, most people want to get to know WHO they're marrying and discover "love" and "happiness" for themselves.

They want to take time to explore the person's heart and mind to see if there's a connection.

Most people don't want to be "thrown" into a relationship with someone they don't know.

This man or woman could be a monster. Who knows if he or she is sweet or cruel or supportive or lazy as hell?

It's also possible that both people may have good hearts but they're just not good for each other.

In reality, it's all just a crap-shoot. A gamble.

No matter how many dates you go on, dating will never guarantee you will discover someone who's "perfect" for you, because your ideals and preferences may change.

But, you stand a better chance finding true love if you date and take your time to get to know yourself and what you want and need in a relationship and in a mate.

- loveqna

notes - A Few Ways To Stop Negative Thoughts

Blahhh, more notes...

I can't help it. Too many ideas; Too much confusion going on inside of my head.

This post is for the timid who are afraid to approach good prospects for fear of rejection. Don't think negative of yourself before you even try. And don't wage all of your bets on one prospect! You don't know if he or she is even the right person for you. Relax. Approach. Say what you have to say. And, if he or she responds, go from there. If not, move on with your next plan.

Don't have high expectations of someone you don't know!

I have also considered these notes for people who are depressed.

BEING ALONE is what is dragging you down! You don't have any other "human energy" to connect with and interact with and to draw from. so, of course, your spirits are gonna be low!

Get out of the house if you can. If you can't, improve your energy through Creating...

Write. Invent. Produce. Design. Use your time to expand your Mind. Don't allow negative thoughts or fear to suppress the energy that's hidden deep inside.

To those who are stuck in these dead-ass piss-ass relationships with these tyrannical bullies and bums:

Don't allow the negativity to conquer your spirit! Keep an open mind and seek ways to allow your inner strength to re-emerge!

Consider the times when you have felt positive, strong, and confident.

Stay away from fear. Be cunning. Use reverse-psychology if you have to. Find ways to deal with that skank or scumbag until you escape your situation. Don't give up and don't get distracted from your goal. A better life awaits you.

--------------------------------------------------------

notes - How To Stop Negative Thoughts...


First, Realize that "you're only scared of what you THINK you're scared of."

Look beyond the situation. Take a look at multiple points of view.

Use your Wisdom to see beyond the tricks your mind is playing on you.

Don't drop your head and drag your feet over the challenges Life throws at you! Stand Tall and FACE your demons and enemies head on! Conquer them and wipe them out! Don't allow misery to rule and ruin your life...

Sometimes these "tests" in Life are put there to build our character! To make us Stronger! To prepare us for the REAL Challenges that lie ahead.

Don't let Fear or Doubt or Anger destroy your Instincts or Good Common Sense!

Life is full of B.S. And, you're going to have to deal with now AND later. So, ain't no need in crying about it or lying down and giving up.

Face it. Kick it to the curb. And, move on.

---------------------------------------------------

WHEN YOU START TO HAVE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS...

Say "No" to them.

Turn your attention to your Goals.

Get busy and Stay productive and on the path to achieving your Goals. Even if your negative thoughts have nothing to do with your Goals, think of your Goals anyway. Don't overwhelm yourself. That's going to push you back into negativity. Consider the smaller goals. And Remember: you also have to tackle the smaller goals a little at a time.

Engage in activities that require thought and concentration. Calculate. Analyze.

Stay focused on the end results you want. Don't get distracted by negativity, doubt, or pain

Consider the probability of a Good Outcome rather than a negative outcome.

Change your thoughts by making out a "to do" list. Plan the next steps you need to take to get closer to your Goal.

WHEN NEGATIVE THOUGHTS START TO CREEP UP ON YOU...

Learn tactics that will help you make allies and that will help you adapt to your surroundings until you can escape the situation. See yourself as being "tested" and/or "on a mission" because this is also what Life is about - dealing with your tests and challenges and moving forward towards your Goal.

If dream after dream comes crashing down, don't whine about it. There may be another path meant for you to take or another calling in your life. Sometimes it's a good thing when things don't happen the way we want them to happen - or WHEN we want them to happen. Study the situation and look for other ways around the mess and to achieve your ultimate goal.

ANOTHER WAY TO STOP NEGATIVE THOUGHTS...

Don't put yourself down or cause timid thoughts within your mind - plan your actions and know what you have to do. Then, go for it. Release yourself of all resistance and dive in. Let yourself go. Say to yourself that you will deal with the situation as it happens. Plan in advance. Think, Act, and Respond later.

Realize what you have done right, plan what your next step should be, think about what you COULD do to help the situation, then, focus on something else

Challenge what could be making you feel negative or have doubts. Be realistic about your situation and how it can be improved or what you need to do or get to improve it

If you have caused "damage" that cannot be "repaired" or made a mistake that cannot be corrected, it's almost certain that it will be with you for the rest of your life. Realize that reality. But, although you were at fault, you can't stop living. There are at least four good deeds you can do in turn. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the error. And meditate (or pray) about the entire matter (the error, your apology, and the forgiveness). And a fifth deed will bring you good karma (if it's in your heart to do it) which is: contribute something to show your sincerity. (time; volunteer; testimony; artwork; whatever is in your heart and ability to do) But, don't mull over this forever. We all make errors in our lives, but we must move on. Let the Law Of Karma settle the deed.

TO FIGHT NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, YOU CAN ALSO...

Make moves - engage in an activity or go visit a friend - get out of your current surroundings

If it's late at night - have a release agent (write; make a video; make notes) on your current feelings or how to conquer or deal with your current feelings

Read or watch a movie

Distract yourself with a simple task like analyzing or calculating (working out a simple math problem or forming an opinion of something or planning your schedule for tomorrow)

Read or watch a movie that deals with positive thinking or reflection

Read a book of wisdom to activate inner strength and revelations

Research or study some techniques (constantly) to help you conquer this feeling (in advance)

Don't overwhelm yourself with too many ideas or chores that are unnecessary - some things you're thinking about probably aren't as important to your life as you think

SOMETIMES NEGATIVE THOUGHTS APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE! BUT, KEEP YOUR COOL...

Don't worry about disappointing people you don't owe or aren't obligated to

Don't worry about people speaking negative of you or talking about you behind your back. people are going to say good and bad things about each other all the time so don't whine about it or concern yourself about it (some exceptions - unless you just have nothing else to talk about and want to make a conversation out of the situation)

SOMETIMES, YOU GOT TO CONQUER THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS BEFORE THEY ENTER YOUR BRAIN...

Call anyone involved and confirm their participation. don't deal with unreliable or floppy people in the first place. if you have a hard time getting people together, find someone who is better at it. make sure you choose an acceptable time and location in the first place.

Don't procrastinate or wait until the last minute and put yourself under pressure (or, anyone else that doesn't deserve it)

Don't multi-task when you don't have to. Cut down on some of your errands, promises, and obligations so that you're not overwhelmed and scatter-brained.

Be realistic.

- is it YOUR problem or is it someone else's problem? Are you meddling in something that's not your responsibility? Are you meddling in someone else's life who doesn't want you in their business in the first place?

- how much will this really affect your progress or life? Can you correct this mistake if things don't turn out right the first time? What's the big deal? More work? Will take longer than necessary? Is it really just more "junk" or another "chore" in your life that you will have to deal with on a regular basis?


end of notes

loveqna

Find Your Alter-Ego And Get Rid Of Shyness

One of the best ways to improve confidence is through preparation for an event or situation. When you know (or sort of know) what to expect or what might happen, you don't have to think and worry about the unexpected. Your brain and instincts takeover and allow you to enjoy the moment. You know what's coming and what's about to happen so you don't feel anxious and nervous.

You become more engaged with your date (or friends)... And you're able to relax and have a good time.

Or, show off your "skills" and wit.

Or, ask better questions to get others engaged and talking.

Preparation is something you should practice often. It will make social situations become a lot more natural to you. And, you'll feel just as comfortable and have a good time like everyone else.

But, another way to improve your confidence and to get rid of shyness is by DISCOVERING and USING your Alter-Ego. We all have one - a fierce and courageous personality that roams on a higher level within our psyche.

A higher level of Energy.

A higher Force.

A higher Power.

A higher level of strength and confidence that we are able to tap into IF we are willing to move out of our comfort zone and face our challenges and tests in life.

Beyonce talked about having an alter-ego: "Sasha Fierce".

Other celebrities use their alter-egos to conquer stage fright or to deal with the public.

Some salespeople rely on their alter-ego to deal with strong-willed customers in negotiations.

Many ordinary people (especially the ones who go out to night clubs) have alter-egos that they call upon before they go out at night, because they want to feel confident and have a good time.

Actors, I'm sure, have an alter-ego (or maybe even multiple personalities) to get into their acting roles as superheroes or action heroes or as sex symbols.

There's nothing wrong with that. You should dig deep and discover yours.

Sometimes you have to get in the Zone and take your mindset to that next level if you want to conquer your fears - or a particular situation.

I'm convinced that a lot of guys and girls (women) out there could discover who they are in life or what they really want to do in life if they weren't afraid to be WHO THEY REALLY ARE. They've always been what OTHER people wanted them to be. They've always done what OTHER people have wanted them to do. Their True Self (maybe their true Ego) is hidden way way Way down deep within their psyche (or subconscious). And, they're afraid to let it out!

These shy and awkward-feeling folks are "out of touch" and afraid to approach and meet new people.

They're afraid to face certain challenges in life.

They only dream about the life they want and don't believe in themselves enough to make that life come true.

They need to say "Fuck it", and just go for what they want out of life.

Don't worry about being rejected or failing or making mistakes. Just do it.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Learn. Use your instincts. Do your due diligence and research so that you can minimize mistakes. But, don't let Fear keep you from moving forward or growing or meeting new people.

Use your Alter-Ego and boost your Confidence!

Sometimes it may take another person to bring out that extra boost and confidence you need.

It's possible a mentor can help you find your true self or your alter-ego.

Sometimes it might take a certain situation to bring out these emotions or the character and Power you need to change your life or boost your Confidence.

Don't fall into the "cookie-cutter" model...

Alter-Egos come in all shapes and sizes and colors.

Some are like Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft.

Some are like Edward Cullen, the vampire character of the Twilight Series.

Some are like Oprah Winfrey, the media mogul.

Some are like RockStars.

Some have the coolness and suaveness of the actor Denzel Washington.

Yours will be unique to You and give you the strength you need to be a true Leader.

You only have to find ways to draw it out.

And, it will be unique and stronger than you ever imagined.

Walk tall and let it overtake your senses, emotions, character, and personality. And when it does, hold fast to it and do the right thing for your life and for love.

- loveqna