How do you figure out what you want in a potential significant other?

I was surfing the Net tonight and came across this question on Yahoo.

Share your opinion anonymously if you like.

Question:

"They say don't date until you know what you want in someone.....But don't you have to date in other to experiment and find out what personality traits work/don't work you in a potential mate?

am i missing something? The only way to figure out is to date people, but they say if you date w/o knowing what you want, you're playing with their mind"

loveqna Answer:

I feel the same way. If you don't date and get to know various personalities, how else can you discover what personality traits work and don't work?

And, that's just part of it...

They might have habits or beliefs you don't agree with. He or she may be an intellectual but have interests you don't agree with. He or she might nag all the time or complain about everything - or, want to fight for causes you don't believe in.

Yeah, some people take these "relationship questionnaires" (online or given by priests) to see if they are compatible, but we all know "actions speak louder than words". And, people who claim to be in love and who love selfishly, WILL lie to get what they want. So, why not date?

Even Prophets of Astrology recommend that "your individual horoscopes blend" in order for you to have a good connection.

So dating is not a bad thing as long as it's respectful and has meaningful purpose. Like dating to find out you want in a potential mate.

BUT!

What you want in a mate sometimes changes. Even when you THINK you know what you want, your preferences might change.

There are people out there who date "prospects" and fall in love with them and don't know how it happened. Usually, they would never consider dating these "losers" because they have absolutely NONE of the qualities the seeker wants, but somehow, they become captivated by these bums and oddballs and can't get their minds off of them.

That being said, all you can do is:

Get to know the guy or girl on a friendship level first to see if there is a connection or a deeper level of interest.

Make sure he/she understands that you don't want to rush things and that you two could still be friends if things don't work out.

Many relationships fail because people don't take the time to get to know themselves and what they want, and what turns them on, and what turns them off, and what they can tolerate, and what they can't tolerate. (And, that's the main point of dating.)

They'll meet a guy or girl, claim they're in love, and three months later, they're bored and looking for something new (more reserved, established, funny, or more exciting). Or, six months later, they're in a toxic relationship full of drama ready to break-up.

Dating also helps you find out who you might be more compatible with. Or, what type of person you have a better connection with. Or, WHO you might have a better connection with.

And, that's another purpose of dating. You get to know them and they get to know you as you also get to know yourself and what you want and need in a mate.

You can't discover this "connection" just by analyzing people. You have to interact with them on various levels - friendship as well as romantic. Even spiritual.

You need to know what you have in common and what you don't. You need to know if this person has the same relationship goals as you do or he/she wants to live in the same area as you. Or, if he/she is family oriented - or if he/she is driven to succeed. You need to know habits, preferences, faults, fetishes, etc.

Now, this may require more dates or taking things to the next level with this person, but if you see potential on the FIRST DATE, then this is a natural step. Go to the next level.

You learn their strengths and weaknesses. They learn your strength and weaknesses...

But, this is ONLY if you're interested in more than just dating.

If you're dating, it doesn't mean that you have to commit yourself. You're still dating to see IF you want to take things to a deeper level.

The downside or disadvantages of dating is:

- love and happiness are NOT guaranteed
- it takes time
- feelings can cloud your judgment and you might rush things
- you might over-analyze and kick a good man or woman to the curb too soon
- you could end up being attracted to two people and can't decide who to choose

Now, I know some people don't date and end up marrying to the first person that comes along - or, someone that they're betrothed to - and have better success in their relationship, but, most people want to get to know WHO they're marrying and discover "love" and "happiness" for themselves.

They want to take time to explore the person's heart and mind to see if there's a connection.

Most people don't want to be "thrown" into a relationship with someone they don't know.

This man or woman could be a monster. Who knows if he or she is sweet or cruel or supportive or lazy as hell?

It's also possible that both people may have good hearts but they're just not good for each other.

In reality, it's all just a crap-shoot. A gamble.

No matter how many dates you go on, dating will never guarantee you will discover someone who's "perfect" for you, because your ideals and preferences may change.

But, you stand a better chance finding true love if you date and take your time to get to know yourself and what you want and need in a relationship and in a mate.

- loveqna

Conversation Topics - How To Talk About Yourself

Yuck!

These Hi-Def TVs are sweet, but have you ever seen the actors and actresses on one of these things??? Some of the women I thought were hot - really look terrible... These TVs show off all of their flaws and everything! Thank God for makeup and lighting... It helps a little.

I hate this TV.

Anyway...

Here is another conversation tip to consider when you're out on a date or talking on the phone or socializing with a group of your buddies this week.

Talk about yourself.

- what good news (or bad) have you heard lately and how do YOU feel about it

- what is the funniest thing happened to you this week

- what is the weirdest thing you've seen today

- have you thought about cooking anything lately or learning how to cook

- do you have a dilemma

- are you sick and tired of working at your current job

- have you had any ailments lately

- are you thinking about going back to school/college and getting a degree

- have you had poor customer service lately

- is there a place you hate to go because the employees are "ghetto"

- did you hear anything interesting on radio show this morning

- has someone offended you or pissed you off recently because they are a jerk or deceitful

- have you thought about going on a diet or working out

- are you planning a trip or vacation

- have you gotten a good deal on anything lately

- have you been to any new restaurants or stores lately

- do you need ideas for a gift to get for a friend or your Mom or someone who's sick

- are you sick and tired of being treated like dirt by a friend, your boss, or your mate

- is someone trying to manipulate you

- have you caught someone in a big lie recently

- do you feel you're being overworked at home or at work

- is one of your family members or friends or children involved in drama that you have to help solve

- have you been overcharged or sold a defective product recently

- what do you remember about the good old days

- is there restaurant or venue or event that you miss going to

- who is your favorite team and what do you think they'll do this year

- have you heard anything shocking about anybody lately (scandal; death; dating; termination)

- do you have any exciting plans this week

And, you could go on and on and on...

Remember, many statements about yourself or your life are like "bulletins" that tell people what you got going on or how you feel or what your plans are or what you're thinking. Your preferences. Whatever. And, it's not always a bad thing.

Sometimes, talking about yourself can spark a good conversation about a specific issue or dilemma the person you're talking to is having. Maybe you could help them solve their problem or give them a chance to vent.

Maybe you got a good deal on food or gas. Who wouldn't want to know about that???

With these types of conversations, you could easily move from small-talk to deeper levels of thought and on to even deeper levels of conversations that can bring about a connection and understanding between you and a new prospect - or your friends and family.

And, don't feel too shy to do a little trash-talking about how good your favorite team is or how you overcame an obstacle or how you got a hook-up on a sweet deal. Be excited. Enjoy the things in your life every once and a while. It's only when people go on and on and on about themselves or what they're doing, that sickens others. The key is to read other people's interest (from their eyes, body language, and responses).

And, I know I'm wearing you down with all of this yappin' and jibba-jabba that I'm doing right now, so I'm gonna let you go.

Take care and don't be shy!

Have Fun! That's the key.

- loveqna

Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat - Hidden Major Factors

Some "experts" touch on these Factors of Cheating, but usually, they only include "upbringing" and...

Well, I can't think of what other theories they have, but often when a cheater cheats, there's more than one reason. And much of the time, the idea to cheat isn't something that just happens overnight although cheating is bound by no rules.

Usually there are combination of reasons that develop over time while in the relationship.

It may start off as ONE thing, but as the relationship goes on and starts to fizzle, one partner notices OTHER things that turn him or her off - habits, appearance, personality, style, etc.

Or, he or she might notice other things OUTSIDE OF THE RELATIONSHIP that turn him or her on like sexy men or women. Or, people with more attractive personalities and styles. Or, someone who is more understanding and kind to them.

Anyway, take a look at these notes. Keep an open mind. Get a second or third opinion if you need to. And continue to develop your Female Intuition or Male Instincts.

I think I might make a move on this chick at work today, but with my bad luck, she'll probably "chop my head off" and turn me down before I can get a word out. We'll see what happens.

I HAVE the courage. I just have to look for the opening and make a move.

Stay tuned!

-----------------------------------

(notes from "Double-Life" - a book I was working on at one time)

“The Major Factors of Cheating”

Back in the day, many people believed that the cause of infidelity was due to sex or neglect. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Today, as we see more and more troubled relationships and marriages, we now know that there are other factors involved.

The reason (or reasons) for cheating may be based on internal factors such as:

- Character and Personality (level of honesty; ethics; integrity; commitment)
- Desires, Goals, Dreams (what he or she wants or hopes to experience)
- Needs (such as emotional, physical, social, or financial needs)
- Fears and Insecurities (such as the fear of commitment, responsibility, or being stuck in a dead-end relationship; fear of his or her partner cheating or leaving)
- Disappointments (let-downs; depressed or unsure of his or her life and wanting a change in lifestyle)
- Preferences (things he or she likes and dislikes; turn-offs and turn-ons)
- Habits and Addictions
- Beliefs based on Upbringing and the Influential People in his or her life (state of mind; opinions; actions and re-actions)

Or external factors such as:

- Peer Pressure to do wrong or to deceive
- Lifestyle Choices
- Changes in partner or lifestyle
- Time and Circumstances
- Compatibility (or Incompatibility)
- Interests
- Home Environment (conflicts; radical changes; stress)
- Work Environment (temptations; stress)


How we act, react, perceive, and feel about these things makes each of us who we are.

Any of these things can have a negative (or positive) affect on a person’s personality, attitude, decisions, and commitment depending on how the person perceives and deals with life, relationships, and views his or her current situation.

But the only way to know what’s really on your partner's mind is through interaction and communication.

You can tell if your partner is happy to be in the relationship or if he or she wants out - or, if he or she is the type to lead people on and play games.

If the two people have good communication, a good “connection”, understanding, and “chemistry”, all pieces of the “puzzle” seem to fall into place and the relationship is something special. But, if things aren’t going so well in his or her life – or, if he or she feels trapped or dissatisfied in a dead-end relationship – he or she might turn to someone else for comfort, attention, excitement, or escape.

Each man and woman is different, thinks different, views life differently, living under different circumstances, and dealing with totally different situations and people everyday.

And since we all don’t (or can’t) deal with pressure, stress, or disappointment the same, our reactions to all of this drama in our lives won’t be the same.

Some people will even get angry about their situation and try to block out everything around them in order to find peace. Under stress (or disgust), their mind will become focused on one thing and that's getting out of the situation they're in.

So, a potential cheater (in a moment of weakness or due to poor character) will cheat or leave his or her relationship depending on what turns him on, what turns him off, his environment, his partner’s attitude, his influences, the current circumstances in his relationship and lifestyle, his personal preferences, desires, fears, fantasies, and most importantly: his character.

There may be an issue he or she has with the relationship. There may be an issue with him or her (such as loneliness, lack of respect for commitment, greed for sex, the need to be understood, or whatever). Or, he or she may be susceptible to peer pressure from family and friends - or flattery from a co-worker, friend, or acquaintance.

So, there could ANY reason (or combination of reasons) that a man or woman might cheat or leave a relationship.

- loveqna