To Be Or Not To Be

I'm beginning to feel like some of those helpless whipped men I see come into the store where I work. I can look at their long bored faces and tell they'd have more fun hanging by their necks from a rope than to be in there shopping with their wives and girlfriends.

I had this lady come in with her husband a couple of weeks ago and bought so much stuff, it looked like they were having a yard sale on wheels - INSIDE the car. She must've hit a windfall because she was shopping like she had money to burn, but the car looked like it was on it's last legs. And, her husband kept trying to tell her there wasn't much room and that it would unsafe to drive the car with so much stuff piled in there - blocking the back windows, on the floor in the front, piled up on the arm rest... She just kept right on buying and directing us to get this thing and that thing. And, told him not to say anything - just keep loading.

He was pissed, but she was the boss. So, he did what he was told no matter how much he hated it. He was so weary he was too tired to be mad. That poor rascal.

But, I saw some happy couples too. There were a few "cuddlers" and "love-birds" that came through - hugging and kissing and cracking jokes on each other. Times like that put a smile on my face. I like romance. I like to see people happy. And, to be honest, it inspired me a little. I tried to come home and be nice, but...

The next day, just as I finished writing a post (actually a draft I haven't posted it yet) about marriage versus shacking up, my girlfriend confronted me. SHE wants to get married... I said, "Oh, hell." (internally - not out loud)

Now, this chick calls me names, insults my intelligence, accuses me of possibly cheating, hates the fact that I smoke and that I'm on the computer, says I don't talk to her enough, tries to work me to death and complains that I'm not doing enough around here, and still, she wants to get married...

I may be dumb, but I ain't that damned stupid.

I didn't give her a response of whether I would or not. I just listened and then started talking about marriages in general. She knew I was beating around the bush. Her final response was that she couldn't keep doing this - living together without being married.

Something told me not to write that post. I told you we are very connected and we think about the same things sometimes. I don't know if I have E.S.P. or if my male instincts were kicking in or if her female instincts were kicking in, but there we were on the same page. Sometimes I'm afraid of what pops into my head for fear that she might know my thoughts.

I've been noticing that she hasn't been fussing as much as usual. And lately, she's always asking me if I need anything when she goes out to the store or to the mall or anywhere. Maybe she's been setting me up to talk about it - using her female charm and ways... I know the games these vixens play.

Too bad I'm not in a good position to do any heavy negotiating. I can refuse but...

I don't know... I may have to do it, but I think I'm going to research annulments first. I really don't want to get married if there's a chance of being in a stormy relationship. I don't want to end up divorced and have to marry again. I'd feel tainted.

I don't have anything to lose by marrying her except my peace of mind and the fact that she would have my name. But, I don't even want her to have that if it's not going to work. Plus, I don't have kids and I'd like to meet someone one day and maybe have one or two. She's done with having kids. She can still have them but she's reached her limit. And, I don't need a grouch for a baby-mama. So, we compliment each other in that aspect. Even so, I just don't want to deal with the nagging and being committed to this type of relationship.

But, I know I'll have to do something real soon.

I thought about it. I COULD just run off when I got tired of it. But... I wouldn't do that. Women can be vindictive, and if my writing career ever takes off, she'd get her revenge by getting a good lawyer to suck my bank account dry as hell and make a public spectacle of me for the hometown media.

And the worst part of it would be: I wouldn't even be able to hunt for my True Love until a year or so after the divorce or they'd swear I'd been cheating all along and put my True Love on blast and defame her reputation and character in front of her friends and family.

No. I don't want to get along with this person. I don't want to forgive or go to counseling or apologize for anything or confess my sins, I just want get myself on track so that I can get out. I should've stacked my chips instead of spending what little I had on these kids, energy drinks, and knick-knacks around the house. My dumbass.

For some reason, I'm thinking this weekend is going to be a "do or die" situation. Crunch Time. I know I'm probably going to have to make a crucial decision. I can feel it. But, No matter what choice I make, it will be a losing proposition... Well, I can't blame anybody but myself. Sad, but true.

I may end up with a ring on my finger. Or, who knows? I may end up in the cold...

I can't predict it so guess I don't have E.S.P.... We'll see.

- loveqna